Lost Time
Lost time.
19 October 2007
12:35
The pain is ever present
Sharp, knife-like stabs and a background gnaw.
Where are the nurses?
How long does it take?
Patience is ebbing, as pain is flowing.
Ah! Assistance at last.
Relief floods my mind, momentary warmth.
Then pain. Different pain.
The pain of surprise; complete disbelief,
mingled with suspicion.
Is this a conspiracy? Am I going mad?
Pain surges again.
Shock opens new wounds and fuddles the brain.
The pain should begin subsiding.
At least I can anticipate a shorter wait.
But the shock lives on, and opens new horizons.
What beast is this that swallows time ?
That devours memory and erases consciousness.
Stealthily preying, un-noticed, unsuspected;
A spectre of a far off world.
Unpredictable, dangerous.
If I can loose time, have no record, no proof.
If I can loose memory, have no inkling or awareness
Of things as I do them, or say them,
What next?
How can I prove innocence, ignorance, absence?
This worry torments me, though I live a good life.
This is a monster who steals sanity too.
But at least I know now…conclusively.
I have been aware, like many, and suspicious
of strange occurrences, but this is the proof.
I am armed with my weapon, my knowledge!
The bigger more pervasive monster lurks near.
Society’s ignorance, unwillingness to listen,
or learn anything new.
Now that is the real fear.
©DF 2007
Written quickly, and in rough form, by no means a good poem, but it illustrates one of the problems narcoleptics face…lost time. Often we misplace things, forget things etc, the same as other folk, but sometimes it can be more serious. The example in the poem is of my experience in hospital, when I was waiting for my meds, in a lot of pain, and when the nurses came, they said they had given me them, ten minutes ago. They were as shocked as me, but they should have read my notes and had an inkling of what had happened.
The point in the poem about danger, is that people have been known to kill whilst asleep, and have no memory of it. I don’t think for one moment that would happen to me, (gosh…I hope not!) but there are plenty of senarios that come to mind…taking meds twice, because you have no memory of the first time, being the obvious one here.
poppy said,
October 20, 2007 at 7:32 am
Really like the two poems you have posted here. Different from what I’ve seen of yours so far, but I like them very much. Can understand the panic loss of memory can give you.
kimmikat said,
October 20, 2007 at 9:57 am
Thanks Poppy. They are not wonderful poems, but I hope they convey a sense of what narcolepsy is about.
Thanks for popping by. It’s appreciated
Kate said,
November 25, 2007 at 6:39 am
Using my daughter’s email for now. The poem is very familiar sounding as my 20 yr. old has severe time lapses before during and after episodes that last from 1 to 20 hours. I pray for you and everyone out there to find some happiness and peace and keep up hope. The drugs they give my daughter don’t work too well. Adderall XR, d-amphetimine salt and provigil. She has to be frustrated after two years.
After reading your poem, I promise to be even more understanding and patient, I often over-reacted to the “I don’t remember” phenom. before and after episodes. God bless all of you, he is trying to teach the rest of us something about real love for those in our lives that have narcolepsy. Keep posting your poems, they are wonderful!
kimmikat said,
November 25, 2007 at 11:48 am
Hello Kate’s Mum
Thank you for your lovely comments. I’m sorry to hear about your daughter though. However, there is hope for the future. They think there is a cure on the horizon, so with a bit of luck your daughter may benefit from that.(I need to post the articles…still in the process of putting this all together). The provigil isn’t doing much for me either, although it has reduced the daytime REM, which is good, but I am still just as sleepy. It is hard for young people when they are so tired all the time and trying to study. I know my marks would have been much better if I could have stayed awake, and had some degree of concentration and memory, but the three together are disastrous!
I’m so glad you stopped by. Come back in a week or two and I might have expanded the information and added new poems etc.
Best wishes to you and your daughter,
Susie.